5. Basic Rules of Manipulation
Keep these key points foremost in your mind:
- You cannot and will not out manipulate a skilled manipulator; do not even try.
- Always pay attention to what the manipulator does, not what he or she says.
- Do not inquire why he or she is behaving in a particular way and expect to get a valid, useful, or truthful answer. Remember, “Why” is a luxury question. Do not bother asking the question. Just because a manipulator denies being manipulative or disguises his or her motives verbally does not mean that you are wrong in your identification. Do not expect the manipulator to give you an honest answer.
- You cannot and will not change a manipulator by pointing out his or her shortcomings.
- Do not bother telling a manipulator that she is not being fair or kind or loving. If your purpose in doing so is to effect change, forget it; it simply will not happen.
- You cannot appeal to a manipulator’s empathy with your feelings. Do not imagine that by telling him how you
feel as the victim of manipulation you will accomplish anything. The manipulator does not care; he most likely is incapable of empathy altogether.
- The
only effective way to change a manipulator is to make her tactics ineffective by changing yourself. You will not change the manipulator, but you can change the manipulative elationship. When you stop rewarding manipulative tactics by ceasing to cooperate, comply, please, or acquiesce, you will necessarily alter the nature and the dynamics of the manipulative relationship. Remember, if manipulation turns out to be hard work, the manipulator will likely give up.
- Do not put your energy into making the manipulator more aware of your feelings or more aware of her motives. This only empowers her. Instead, put your energy into raising your own level of awareness and into changing your behavior so that you do not fall into your familiar victim patterns and roles.
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