8. Confusion About the Manipulator’s True Motives
The confusion that develops in the victim about the manipulator’s motives is often an integral art of the manipulative control. Recall that the endgame for the manipulator is to advance her own self-interests and goals with little or no regard for those of other people. However, a skilled and clever manipulator will disguise her actual motives, often with disarming and effective reassurances, such as “You know I only want you to be happy” or “I have only your best interests at heart” or “I am on
your side—I’m trying to help you out.”
The victim’s confusion is magnified many times over when the manipulation occurs in the context of a family/marital/romantic relationship. In such relationships, there is a general expectation that love and altruism will prevail over the self-centered goals of manipulation. You may not
expect those who say they love you to manipulate and exploit you, so you are likely to use the defense mechanism of
denial to protect yourself from painful—although ultimately necessary—realizations. But some of the most painful experiences of manipulative relationships that I have seen have, in fact, occurred in families.Sometimes the victim’s confusion lies with the manipulator’s carefully disguised motives. Other times the victim’s own denial and fear keep him from recognizing the manipulative methods being used to control him. In such cases, the victim is often deeply entrenched and enmeshed in a sustained manipulative pattern before he becomes fully aware of the negative toll the manipulation is taking on his emotional and often even physical health.
For example, in family or marital relationships, the expectation or assumption of love can fog an accurate perception of the manipulation that really exists. “I know that my husband really loves me,” a depressed wife who had been victimized by emotional abuse and manipulation for years once told me. “But I am just a constant disappointment to him.”
Such a victim also illustrates the erosive effects of manipulation on self-esteem. Frequently, as in this case, these erosive effects can cause the victim to internalize the blame and to seeherself as the main reason that the relationship is problematic.
When working with patients in this category, helping to rebuild their shattered self-esteem is usually a top treatment priority—even before helping them deal with the manipulators in their lives.Confusion about what the manipulator “really means” or “truly wants” is the inevitable result of maintaining the silent contract to keep the manipulative agenda hidden or obscured.
When direct communication—especially about the power and control dynamics of the relationship—is avoided, the most effective tactic for clarification and for ending or reducing confusion is crippled.Confusion is also prevalent in relationships where the formal power structure is reversed by the manipulation.
For example, parents often do not recognize that their child is manipulating them; or a supervisor or boss may be slow to realize that a subordinate actually has taken over the reins of control.To the extent that the manipulator uses randomized or partial reinforcement as a means of control, confusion, stress, and anxiety are increased by the uncertainty and unpredictability inherent in the reinforcement schedule.
Finally, it is imperative to remember that manipulators are generally quite capable of lying. If it serves his or her purposes, a manipulator may well seek to disguise his or her motives simplyby lying about them.
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