7. How Do You Get Manipulated?
Manipulative relationships depend on activating one (or both) of two principal human drives:
gain (or reward) and
loss (or avoidance). These are the two engines that drive the manipulation.
Do not bother looking for anything more complicated than this:
Manipulation always boils down to the promise of a net gain and/or the threat of a net loss. In some manipulative relationships, there is the promise of something valuable to gain, which is why the mark willingly goes along with the program. Or the manipulator promises to reward the cooperative mark (or compliant victim) with something that he or she wants, needs, desires, or prefers.
A typical work situation might have a superior asking a subordinate to do something distasteful (maybe work late or come in on Saturday). It is implied or even stated overtly that this is how people get ahead in this company, by going the extra mile. The mark might be told, “If you expect to get that promotion, you’ll be here on Saturday. Of course, the choice is always yours”, the boss adds. Some choice. This is fairly blatant, but sometimes the action is much more subtle, and it is harder to see or feel the manipulation.
The point is that in this case the manipulation promises to reward the compliant victim with something or someone she desires, needs, or prefers.
It is also important to understand that in many situations just like this the mark does not always know that she is being manipulated. Sometimes it feels more like influence or a suggestion. However, when the other side of the coin is examined—meaning the consequences if the mark does not go along with the “request” or “suggestion”— it ceases to be influence and is downright manipulative behavior. This happens when there is something valuable to lose or something one wants to avoid.
A skilled manipulator then plays on the victim’s fears and promises to prevent the loss or perhaps to avoid the punishing consequence if the requested compliance or cooperation is demonstrated.
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